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From Behind Our White Picket Fence Week 168
By Freddy and Eddy
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Where Have All the Good (Single) Men Gone?

It’s interesting what one can find when leaving the security and comfort of the white picket fence. And though an argument could be presented we never actually travel anywhere beyond Costco to the south and Whole Foods, Venice to the north, our Westside snobbery does relax enough to take us beyond the 405 and into territories unexplored.

Our latest such journey found us flipping a coin for the opportunity to work, rather than take our son to a friend’s birthday party at that most wretched of destinations, Chuck E. Cheese. If you have children, it’s doubtful you’ve been able to avoid this obnoxiously loud, money-draining, out-of-control hell hole any more than breathing air. Why any parent in his or her right mind would subject himself (and his fellow parents) to this atrocity of a business is baffling; indeed, if one were to break down the cost of the horrifically unhealthy food, ravenous token eating video games, and the brain damage done to every child who sets foot through Mr. Cheese’s doors, the Obama stimulus plan would probably pale by comparison. In fact, after subjecting our own delicate mental states to two hours of kids running amok at full volume, the Magic Kingdom seems positively staid (and less expensive, at that).

However, while we could certainly devote at least three full columns to the vagaries of bad pizza, giant robotic mice, and candy straws requiring one hundred thousand tickets, the focus of this week’s installment has more to do with some of the moms at the party – single moms, if you will – and how these fine, decent, and sexy women continue to sit on the market in a city full of eligible males. We’d also like to simultaneously (and universally) hammer every father out there who thinks ignoring his parental responsibilities begins when his marriage ends.

But we digress…

So there we were at Chuck E. Cheese, surrounded by marauding youths, attempting to converse with a few of the other parents over the ear-splitting combination of bad music, high volume games, and general roar of what seemed to be dozens of parties going on concurrently. After a few get-to-know-you pleasantries, we inquired as to where the dads were, thinking they must’ve had some ingenious way of avoiding our birthday party fate. Startlingly, we learned five of the mothers were single, with ex-husbands who felt no desire to be with their children whatsoever, and had simply decided to pay their child support and check out completely. No time for sports. No desire for outings. Nothing. Five single mothers, working full-time, and raising their children with virtually NO male presence in their lives. You hear talk show blowhards (on both sides) ranting about this predicament every other day, but to come face to face with five single, young (all were under 30), attractive, intelligent, and working females in one setting was downright disconcerting. These were not, as cliché would have us believe, teen moms who had no education or financial means; all five were at least somewhat educated, employed, and married at the time they reproduced. Why did their marriages fail? In every case, their husbands took to having affairs after sexual activity in their marriages decreased.

More on this in our next column, but first we wish to take issue with these emotionally absent fathers. Gentlemen, when you decide to engage in sexual intercourse, whether within marriage or otherwise, you do so with the understanding an offspring is a very real possibility, regardless of the precautions you take to avoid it. If your sperm finds its way into a female’s egg and a child emerges nine months later, IT IS YOUR ABSOLUTE REPONSIBILITY TO TAKE FULL PARTICIPATION IN THAT CHILD’S LIFE. We understand there are cases where your ex may be a complete psychopath, among other complicated factors; however, if you’ve fathered a child and that youngster is sitting home every afternoon playing video games or watching television with no male influence in his or her life, get off your lazy ass and find him or her an alternative!!! Being a father is one of the most incredibly rewarding experiences life has to offer and you need to re-orient your thinking, accordingly. As parents who’ve been involved in youth sports/activities since our son’s birth (and as a teacher prior to that), we urge you to “man up,” work out some sort of time commitment, and give your children the gift of their father.

To be continued…