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From Behind Our White Picket Fence Week 174
By Freddy and Eddy
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Homemade Porn… Part 1

Trying to create a little spark in our meandering sex life, we decided to explore making love with a purpose, that is to say committing our sexual exploits to video. After all, if Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee can wield a camera and produce some provocative footage (not to mention SCREECH from “Saved by the Bell”) and make millions in the process, why couldn’t we at least generate something for our own personal use to turn to in a porn pinch? At our age and physical appearance (at least on the male side), any chance of such material leaking out and causing embarrassment would have more to do with our lack of interest than displaying our wares to an unimpressed public. Reality does, indeed, have a cruel way of extending one’s boundaries.

Now, we’re no strangers to posing, having done still shoots for fun; however, making the leap to video required even seasoned smut peddlers like yours truly to hit the cyber bong for inspiration. What camera did we need? Where, exactly, should we do the filming? Did we need special lighting? How, pray tell, does one go about moving the camera around and switch positions without breaking the mood? All of these questions and more had us bewildered and we almost decided to simply pay someone else to do all the work and give us the finished product. Being broke quickly put the kibosh on that idea, though, and we were able to gather together enough information online to proceed, albeit cautiously.

The first thing one should consider when engaging in making homemade porn is whether to do it in the first place. Like the duped drunks in “Girls Gone Wild” videos, you do not want your sexual exploits to come back to your relatives, surface during that important job interview, or make the rounds among your friends when you break things off with your (now) pissed off former partner. Oh, and forget that run for political office; all those promises of secrecy go out the window when TMZ or CNN comes calling with open checkbooks for that juicy recording. The digital age has ushered in unprecedented ease in creating, editing, and distributing video to the masses. If you’re not prepared for the worse case scenario, put the camera away NOW. In our decision, as mentioned above, we feel we’re so past our primes that the only interested parties in our sexual escapades might be, well… we can’t really think of anyone. Onward, porn!

 In terms of equipment, we already possessed a small Sony Camcorder (with the added benefit of writing directly to mini DVD’s) and a basic tripod. This meant we could easily film and transfer the digital files into our computer without much fuss, then edit with a number of free programs. The newer generation of cameras come outfitted with hard drives or large capacity flash memory cards, meaning you need only run a USB cable or transfer a small SD card directly to your computer to get at your video content. Once the raw video is moved, Microsoft’s Windows Movie Maker, which came pre-installed with Vista, suited our needs just fine, offering basic editing and the ability to add music and transitions easily once we had captured some suitable action. Mac users have even more tools from which to choose, but we’d like to caution that programs like Final Cut Pro (available on both platforms) might be a bit of overkill, as well as needing countless hours of experience to use effectively. If you’re just trying to have some kinky fun, why ruin it by trying to emulate Steven Spielberg (although we’d LOVE to see what’s in HIS hidden video collection) and fussing over irrelevant details? Keep it simple and you’ll be amazed at how sexy your production will be.

One tidbit of warning – stay AWAY from hi-definition. Watching an exciting car chase or nature documentary in hi-def is wonderful. Viewing the naked human form – your naked human form - in Blue-Ray detail can be downright scary. Trust us, you’ll want less detail on screen, so make good use of muted light and shadow – we’ll share some tricks in this regard in our next column – to soften everything and make your sensual exploits luscious and complimentary to both of you.