From Behind Our White Picket Fence Week 197
By Freddy and Eddy
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Why Does Hollywood Hate Marriage, Pt. 2
Lately, half our duo (it’s probably not hard to guess which half) has taken a liking to the Fox show Glee. Fair enough; the quirky characters, clever mixing of comedy and drama, and actual use of gay actor to play a gay character give the show a leg up on the horrendous “Melrose Place” and “90210” rehashes, while at the same time putting Wednesday night back on the radar for television watchers. True, in today’s internet-educated teen population we find it almost impossible to believe either pregnancy subplot (the cheerleader convinces her quarterback boyfriend his hot tub premature ejaculation not engaged in intercourse knocked her up and the teacher’s wife hiding the fact she’s not pregnant for months? Uh, no). And kicking a field goal to a Beyonce tune, while cute, would’ve been blocked by even the lousiest squad in the 30-plus seconds it took from snap to kick. But fine, it’s television. We get it.
What we don’t quite understand is yet another hit show depicting marriage as a loveless, unhappy, sexual unfulfilling exercise doomed to fail. The main character, teacher and glee club leader Will Schuester, is stuck in a miserable marriage to conniving wife Terri, who is not only psychotically paranoid and unstable in-general, but trying desperately to get pregnant to trap her unhappy husband in this sham of a coupling before it breaks apart due to… yes, the real love and soul mate of Will’s life – fellow instructor Emma Pillsbury (no, we’re not making the name up). As usual in the eyes of Hollywood writers, it’s the relationship of the new that sparks interest and excitement in one hour chunks of primetime; not, certainly, boring old institutions like, you know, marriage. So here we go on another ride of predictable storylines: Terri’s crazy pregnancy scheme is found out and they eventually break up, obstacles keep Will and Emma apart, Will and Emma finally unite in season 3 or (ratings willing) 4, Will and Emma have sex, another crisis breaks them up, new love interests are introduced, and so on and so forth until the whole thing is cancelled and put into syndication.
Is there no writer who finds joy, drama, humor, and watch ability in a happy marriage that works? Is life really like Seinfeld, where four characters can go 10 seasons without ever enjoying a serious relationship (with the exception of George, who delights when his fiancé dies), including every character surrounding them? And do all couples in modern television marriages like “Glee” have to live in constant conflict, with zero sex or basic physical contact beyond throwing chairs at each other?
Readers, we have been together over 21 years and our marriage doesn’t resemble any of these television unions, nor do the hundreds of couplings we’ve encountered in our last 8 years in business. Though we’ve had disagreements, down sexual periods, and financial difficulties, we still enjoy our time together beyond any description we could type here. This isn’t to say we believe everyone is built for a lifelong, committed relationship; quite the contrary, with the divorce rate solidly hovering at 50%, it’s evident half of us should avoid exchanging vows in the first place (or until maturing a bit at the very least). That said, we’d love to see a show hit the airwaves that holds the same optimism for couples we put into practice each and every day.
Sex Tip: To enjoy better sex, both partners should have the same amount of passion between each other. Sex does not start under the sheets. It can start during the day like giving your partner a passionate kiss when he/she leaves for office or holding each other's hands at every available opportunity.
Sex Fact: Endorphins released during sexual activity create a euphoria similar to that produced by opioid drug use. These same endorphins also act as extremely effective pain killers.
Aural Stimulation: Give a listen to Tycho’s Dictaphone’s Lament, an upbeat, ethereal tune perfect for orchestrating your sexual mood (or taking you back to the Burning Man playa, as is the case with us). Jesca Hoop’s Love and Love Again is yet another melodious release from one our favorite artists, while we also love Zero 7’s cynical Distractions. Finally, get down and (really) dirty with Lil’ Kim’s How Many Licks, a Sisqo backed piece of fabulous filth that will have you laughing, shaking your ass, and fucking in no time.
Freddy and Eddy – aka Ian and Alicia Denchasy – can be reached via e-mail at freddy@freddyandeddy.com.
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