Sex Positions 101: She Bang

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Type of sex position: Her on top – missionary.

Degree of sex position difficulty: Advanced.

The male lays on the ground and brings his knees to his chest. The female comes in between his legs and positions his penis to enter her. As the female draws closer, the male grabs her legs to draw her in.

shebang

 

Sexual Liberation: The Busy Trap, by Tim Kreider

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One of the common complains we receive with regard to couples’ sex lives is that they’re “too busy” to take the time necessary to foster deep, lasting intimacy. This article from Tim Kreider outlines some of the pitfalls of being too busy and urges readers to take steps to reduce busyness and allow the benefits of downtime to enrich their lives. This message is as universal as it is applicable to healthy sexuality, specifically…

The ‘Busy’ Trap (via NY Times)

By TIM KREIDER

If you live in America in the 21st century you’ve probably had to listen to a lot of people tell you how busy they are. It’s become the default response when you ask anyone how they’re doing: “Busy!” “So busy.” “Crazy busy.” It is, pretty obviously, a boast disguised as a complaint. And the stock response is a kind of congratulation: “That’s a good problem to have,” or “Better than the opposite.”

Notice it isn’t generally people pulling back-to-back shifts in the I.C.U. or commuting by bus to three minimum-wage jobs  who tell you how busy they are; what those people are is not busy but tired. Exhausted. Dead on their feet. It’s almost always people whose lamented busyness is purely self-imposed: work and obligations they’ve taken on voluntarily, classes and activities they’ve “encouraged” their kids to participate in. They’re busy because of their own ambition or drive or anxiety, because they’re addicted to busyness and dread what they might have to face in its absence.

Almost everyone I know is busy. They feel anxious and guilty when they aren’t either working or doing something to promote their work. They schedule in time with friends the way students with 4.0 G.P.A.’s  make sure to sign up for community service because it looks good on their college applications. I recently wrote a friend to ask if he wanted to do something this week, and he answered that he didn’t have a lot of time but if something was going on to let him know and maybe he could ditch work for a few hours. I wanted to clarify that my question had not been a preliminary heads-up to some future invitation; this was the invitation. But his busyness was like some vast churning noise through which he was shouting out at me, and I gave up trying to shout back over it.

Even children are busy now, scheduled down to the half-hour with classes and extracurricular activities. They come home at the end of the day as tired as grown-ups. I was a member of the latchkey generation and had three hours of totally unstructured, largely unsupervised time every afternoon, time I used to do everything from surfing the World Book Encyclopedia to making animated films to getting together with friends in the woods to chuck dirt clods directly into one another’s eyes, all of which provided me with important skills and insights that remain valuable to this day. Those free hours became the model for how I wanted to live the rest of my life.

The present hysteria is not a necessary or inevitable condition of life; it’s something we’ve chosen, if only by our acquiescence to it. Not long ago I  Skyped with a friend who was driven out of the city by high rent and now has an artist’s residency in a small town in the south of France. She described herself as happy and relaxed for the first time in years. She still gets her work done, but it doesn’t consume her entire day and brain. She says it feels like college — she has a big circle of friends who all go out to the cafe together every night. She has a boyfriend again. (She once ruefully summarized dating in New York: “Everyone’s too busy and everyone thinks they can do better.”) What she had mistakenly assumed was her personality — driven, cranky, anxious and sad — turned out to be a deformative effect of her environment. It’s not as if any of us wants to live like this, any more than any one person wants to be part of a traffic jam or stadium trampling or the hierarchy of cruelty in high school — it’s something we collectively force one another to do.

Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day. I once knew a woman who interned at a magazine where she wasn’t allowed to take lunch hours out, lest she be urgently needed for some reason. This was an entertainment magazine whose raison d’être was obviated when “menu” buttons appeared on remotes, so it’s hard to see this pretense of indispensability as anything other than a form of institutional self-delusion. More and more people in this country no longer make or do anything tangible; if your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure I believe it’s necessary. I can’t help but wonder whether all this histrionic exhaustion isn’t a way of covering up the fact that most of what we do doesn’t matter.

I am not busy. I am the laziest ambitious person I know. Like most writers, I feel like a reprobate who does not deserve to live on any day that I do not write, but I also feel that four or five hours is enough to earn my stay on the planet for one more day. On the best ordinary days of my life, I write in the morning, go for a long bike ride and run errands in the afternoon, and in the evening I see friends, read or watch a movie. This, it seems to me, is a sane and pleasant pace for a day. And if you call me up and ask whether I won’t maybe blow off work and check out the new American Wing at the Met or ogle girls in Central Park or just drink chilled pink minty cocktails all day long, I will say, what time?

But just in the last few months, I’ve insidiously started, because of professional obligations, to become busy. For the first time I was able to tell people, with a straight face, that I was “too busy” to do this or that thing they wanted me to do. I could see why people enjoy this complaint; it makes you feel important, sought-after and put-upon. Except that I hate actually being busy. Every morning my in-box was full of e-mails asking me to do things I did not want to do or presenting me with problems that I now had to solve. It got more and more intolerable until finally I fled town to the Undisclosed Location from which I’m writing this.

Here I am largely unmolested by obligations. There is no TV. To check e-mail I have to drive to the library. I go a week at a time without seeing anyone I know. I’ve remembered about buttercups, stink bugs and the stars. I read. And I’m finally getting some real writing done for the first time in months. It’s hard to find anything to say about life without immersing yourself in the world, but it’s also just about impossible to figure out what it might be, or how best to say it, without getting the hell out of it again.

Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body, and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work done. “Idle dreaming is often of the essence of what we do,” wrote Thomas Pynchon in his essay on sloth. Archimedes’ “Eureka” in the bath, Newton’s apple, Jekyll & Hyde and the benzene ring: history is full of stories of inspirations that come in idle moments and dreams. It almost makes you wonder whether loafers, goldbricks and no-accounts aren’t responsible for more of the world’s great ideas, inventions and masterpieces than the hardworking.

“The goal of the future is full unemployment, so we can play. That’s why we have to destroy the present politico-economic system.” This may sound like the pronouncement of some bong-smoking anarchist, but it was actually Arthur C. Clarke, who found time between scuba diving and pinball games to write “Childhood’s End” and think up communications satellites. My old colleague Ted Rall recently wrote a column proposing that we divorce income from work and give each citizen a guaranteed paycheck, which sounds like the kind of lunatic notion that’ll be considered a basic human right in about a century, like abolition, universal suffrage and eight-hour workdays. The Puritans turned work into a virtue, evidently forgetting that God invented it as a punishment.

Perhaps the world would soon slide to ruin if everyone behaved as I do. But I would suggest that an ideal human life lies somewhere between my own defiant indolence and the rest of the world’s endless frenetic hustle. My role is just to be a bad influence, the kid standing outside the classroom window making faces at you at your desk, urging you to just this once make some excuse and get out of there, come outside and play. My own resolute idleness has mostly been a luxury rather than a virtue, but I did make a conscious decision, a long time ago, to choose time over money, since I’ve always understood that the best investment of my limited time on earth was to spend it with people I love. I suppose it’s possible I’ll lie on my deathbed regretting that I didn’t work harder and say everything I had to say, but I think what I’ll really wish is that I could have one more beer with Chris, another long talk with Megan, one last good hard laugh with Boyd. Life is too short to be busy.

(Anxiety welcomes submissions at anxiety@nytimes.com.)


Author photo

Tim Kreider is the author of “We Learn Nothing,” a collection of essays and cartoons. His cartoon, “The Pain — When Will It End?” has been collected in three books by Fantagraphics.

Product Review: Natural Contours Jolie Waterproof Vibrator

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Synopsis: Natural Contour’s smallest vibe yet, a waterproof powerhouse that is awesome for external stimulation. The base twists to on, off, closed, and open for replacement of the single battery.

Our Review: In my humble opinion, the Jolie should be renamed the Genie.

The sensations put me in a whole new world! All Aladdin jokes aside, I was amazingly shocked when I turned this vibe on for the first time. I expected a vibe of its size to provide mediocre power at best.

Instead, I found that the awesome power combined with ergonomic styling is a match made in heaven for erotic clit stimulation.

The shape of the Jolie affords easy clit stimulation during sex and is easy to hang on to during solo play as well. The flat tip is so awesome, I can’t even begin to express my love for it. Instead of having a tapered tip that provides direct pinpoint stimulation, the flat tip spreads out the mega vibrations to all the places where I’d otherwise have to move a differently shaped vibe. We both liked how the sensation was so powerful, it could be felt by both partners during intercourse. The angled shape also made the Jolie easy to use while making love and is whisper quiet for those concerned with waking the kids.

Power isn’t the only reason to look into the Jolie, though; it features a versatile compact size and is completely waterproof (it can be submerged) for extra enjoyment in the bath or shower or wherever else you can fit this tiny mover and shaker. The combination of the two make it easy to hide in a towel or even a swimsuit to be brought out by yourself or with a partner in a pool or hot tub or…

If there is one complaint to be had, it is that because of the waterproof seal, the Jolie is fairly difficult to turn on and off. We have yet to take it to any public places for trial because of the difficulty in getting the thing turned on, but we figure with more use it’ll get easier and we can’t wait to see how much fun can be had without others noticing.

Interested in purchasing a Jolie? Click here or on the links above.

Wendy Strgar: Growing Up Sexually

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Growing Up Sexually (original article here on Elephant Journal).

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~ E.E. Cummings

sexy tree

I have been making love with the same man for some 30 years, and although I can honestly say it has gotten amazingly and increasingly better over the decades, it is important to add that this improvement was in direct proportion to the work and willingness we brought to growing up sexually.

To be fair and honest, my earliest memories of sex hold as much frustration as they did passion. I longed for the romantic, sexual combustion that would not only fill me up, but also unite me with my partner. However, without any real skills to get there, much of our sexuality became an exercise in approach-avoidance.

Most of us don’t know much about sex when we first start doing it. If we are lucky we have correct names for body parts and, these days, have probably seen enough free porn online to have an idea about the fiction of sex, but the actual vulnerable exchange of our sexual selves remains shrouded in mystery, or worse still, shame and embarrassment. Even though we may still reminisce about youthful sexual exchanges that literally took our breath away, though we may long for the passion of ripping clothes away, and desire the carnal hunger that gave us no choice but to submit to the will of our sexual body, we forget how often the magic imploded.

We repress the memories of when someone came too quickly or someone else’s passion dried up with not enough lubrication and burning genital tissue. We did not know why it worked when it did or how to make it work again. Often times, just to approach our sexuality, we relied on substances to reduce our inhibition that also inhibited our ability to remember and learn. Our sexual immaturity made us pout, made us blame each other and wait angrily in another room for the other to apologize. Initiating sex and keeping score about who said “no” more often took us far from the connection we both longed for. Moving toward our sex life felt risky even with the random good orgasms we happened upon on this bumpy path.

We were green not only with each other, but even more within our own sexuality. Growing up sexually happened in my marriage as we stopped holding each other responsible for both generating and fulfilling our sexual desires. When I stopped expecting my mate to make me feel sexy and committed to finding the sexy place in myself, I stopped saying no when the conditions weren’t like the perfect ones I held in my imagination. As I became more willing to meet him in the mystery of what might happen, he became more willing to, as well.

Even more important, was when I began learning about the many ways that I didn’t know about my own sexuality. As I found the erotic spots that sang for me and what kinds of touch made me light up, I had a language to share how I wanted to be touched. As I took responsibility for the sexual discoveries that were mine to make, I had the epiphany about how much more successful penetration was after an external clitoral orgasm.

This practice also helped me get over the shame of touching myself in front of my partner. Getting over the fears about saying what I liked, asking for what I wanted inspired the same in him. A new freedom was breathed into the narrow routine of sexual behaviors that we limited ourselves to. Even though we were relying on sex positions and practices that worked, our inability to go beyond them made our sexual times predictable and rote. This is how people unwittingly get stuck in sexual ruts—they limit themselves to a few safe moves and avoid expanding their repertoire out of their comfort zone.

These immature ways of dealing with our sexuality and the various mythologies that pervade about passionate sex that overwhelmed us in our youth persists for many people late into adulthood. We continue to resist the idea that we have to take responsibility for tapping into our sexual desire and that someone else does not have the magic to make us feel sexy. We delude ourselves into thinking that real love is supposed to feel like falling in love all the time. Not only couldn’t we physically sustain the intense out-of-our minds euphoria of early biological attraction, but it distracts from the more mature forms of loving. Discovering our capacity of arousal and finding a safe haven to comfortably push our boundaries is how sex evolves into the amazing and transformative relationship glue that it is. It is also the path to finding out who we really are.

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy, she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook, as well as in paperback online. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

The Surprisingly Common Reasons Women Have Trouble Getting Wet

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This post appears on Tango. Click here to visit the Tango website!

By 

Are you experiencing this problem in the bedroom? Do you have difficulty getting wet even when you are SUPER excited?

You just finished an extreme make out session, and you feel like your clothes are going to catch fire if you don’t get naked IMMEDIATELY and get down to business. The clothes go flying, hands go fondling, and…

…she’s not wet. Both of you are disappointed. She may even feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Guys, welcome to the female version of ED – failure to lube. The funny thing is this happens to EVERYONE at some point or another. Sometimes things just aren’t right and our bodies won’t cooperate.

It doesn’t mean she’s not turned on. There are six surprisingly common things happening behind the scenes that may be making it difficult for her to self-lubricate:

1. Zapped of ZZZs – Not surprisingly, a lack of good sleep puts stress on our bodies. It depletes our energy stores, making it much more likely that our minds may be willing but our bodies unable to perform. And with stress comes an inability to self-lubricate enough for sex.

2. Cramped by Caffeine – If she’s been using Starbucks, Red Bulls, or any other number of other supercharged drinks to keep her going, all that caffeine comes with a cost. For some women, it can inhibit the ability to get wet, and it even makes it difficult for some women to reach climax.

3. Allergies are Agony – Every year, millions of allergy sufferers find comfort in over-the-counter or prescription medications. The problem? Many of those meds wind up dry out the mucous membranes, especially if they are designed to relieve congestion. Many people don’t stop to consider there are other areas that can be dried out…areas that you don’t necessarily WANT to dry out.

4. Suffering from Stress – Men and women throughout the country have to deal with overwhelming amounts of stress. Studies have shown that stress can lead to Erectile Dysfunction (ED) in men, so it comes as no surprise that it affects women just as harshly. In addition to lowering our libidos, it can make it very difficult to get wet.

5. Depression has Her Down – If she’s been feeling depressed, she already may not have much of a libido. Unfortunately, if she’s taking medication to help her cope (including anti-depressants and antianxiety medicines), those may increase her libido and desire for sex but make it difficult for her to produce her own lubrication.

6. Wanting for Water – And finally, without water, producing your own natural lubrication becomes nearly impossible. We’re not talking just any beverage that lists water in its ingredients – in order for your body to function properly, you need WATER and lots of it. More water = more wetness, plain and simple.

At any point in her life, a woman may be dealing with some or all of these things. She may be willing and wanting, but simply unable to get on her own or with help from you. This is why I say personal lubricants make a fantastic addition to any bedroom.

Lubes don’t make women less sexually appealing, and they don’t mean men aren’t good at turning their partners on. They are simply another fun tool that you can use to get down to business, even when your body isn’t cooperating.

So what are you waiting for? Drink some water, ditch the meds, get naked, and lube up!

Do you use lube? Have you discovered a particularly fun variety? Share your thoughts in the comments.

More about me: I am the owner of an online romance store www.BlissConnection.com and have been selling sex toys and lingerie for the last 10 years. I just opened a brand new plus size lingerie store in San Jose called Curvy Girl Lingerie. We focus on plus size lingerie and helping women to get in touch with all of the pleasure your body is capable of!

How To Have A Healthy Sex Life With Kids In the House

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Visit the original article website here.

How do you manage a healthy sex life with kids in the house? There are ways to adapt life styles and still lead a satisfying sex life with your partner. It will take a little creative planning and work, but can lead to a fulfilling end result both of you.

Simple Actions

Keep it simple. Reevaluate your priorities; you have time to eat, brush your teeth and do laundry so take time for sex, too. Go to bed early; fatigue is the biggest known passion killer. Go to bed at the same time as your partner. This way, no one falls asleep alone, leaving the other with an unfulfilled desire. Try to rendezvous during daytime nap time. Remember, sex is not just a nighttime activity. Send the kids to Grandma’s for the night.

Teach Privacy

Once children are old enough to sleep in a “big boy/girl” bed, they are old enough to begin learning that a closed door indicates privacy and respect for someone else’s space. Once this lesson is established, it will allow you to avoid unexpected interruptions and relax a little.

Quiet Down

Eliminate the bed squeaks by tightening the frame, and move the bed away from the wall so there is no noise. Think about a new mattress without squeaky springs. Music works wonders to subdue any noise, as does the television.

Baby Time

Newborns will not remember any extra-curricular bedroom activity, but moving the baby to another room, even for a short nap, will eliminate the guilt. Or better yet, you move to another room for a little fun. Be inventive and playful; try a different room each time you find time for a “quickie.” Younger children have earlier bedtimes so be patient until they drift off to sleep for the night.

Older Children

Older children eliminate the “once the kids fall asleep” opportunities so now is the time to firmly institute the closed door privacy policy.

Seize the Moment

Get the party started by slipping into some new exotic lingerie. Send playful, sexy texts to tease each other a little, and have a little fun with it.

The Bottom Line

The key to renewing an active sex life is being spontaneous. Live in the moment of opportunity. Appreciate the secret 20 minute sessions, and sneak in a little alone time during nap time or while the kids are enthralled with a new DVD or favorite TV show. If family lives close by, suggest a sleepover once a month and plan a date night for you and your partner. Plan a romantic dinner, a long chat and a night filled with uninterrupted love-making. Be creative.

While it might take a little planning and scheming to keep your sex life discreet, it can and should be accomplished to keep your relationship fresh, exciting, intimate and strong.

For more tips on finding time for sex, read some reader’s suggestions on Redbook here.

Erotic Food: Sticky Apricots Stuffed with Cream

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Ingredients:

(Serves Four to Six)

Dried, pitted Turkish apricots are best for this dessert, and you may find them at a specialty store or a health food store. When cooked, the apricots plump so you can see the seam where the pit was removed. This becomes the pocket where you will place your cream stuffing. In Turkey, a thick, clotted cream made from water buffalo’s milk (kaymak) is the most common stuffing ingredient. Italian mascarpone cheese, creme fraiche, or even cream cheese may be substituted.

1/2 lb whole dried Turkish apricots or dried apricot halves

1 sugar

1/2 cup honey

2 cups water

2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

1 cup kaymak or other cream substitute (if you are using cream cheese, soften to room temperature and whip with beaters, adding a little water until mixture is fluffy.)

1/2 cup shelled and finely chopped pistachio nuts

Place the apricots in a bowl, add water to cover and let stand overnight to plump. Drain.

In a saucepan over medium heat, combine sugar, honey and water. Bring to a simmer, stirring until sugar is dissolved. Simmer about ten minutes until the mixture thickens. Add the apricots and cook about 25 minutes, until the fruits become tender. Stir in the lemon juice and simmer another minute.

Using a slotted spoon, place apricots on a baking sheet, a large plate, or a clean countertop for working. Reserve apricot syrup in the pot, allowing it to cool and thicken. If the syrup won’t get thick, cook it a little longer over medium heat until it is reduced.

If you are using apricots other than Turkish, carefully cut each apricot along the seam to create a little pocket. Be careful not to cut completely through. A small, sharp knife works best. Then with a small spoon, stuff your cream filling into each pocket. If you’re using apricot halves, spoon the kaymak or other cream onto the centers of half of them. Top with the remaining apricot halves.

Arrange the stuffed apricots on a festive, pottery serving platter. Spoon the thickened syrup over the apricots, then refrigerate until the syrup is set, about 30 minutes to an hour. When you are ready to serve, sprinkle generously with the pistachios. This dish is traditionally served at room temperature, but may be served cold. Eat with your fingers for a sticky, sensual treat!

Original recipe can be found here on Mind Caviar.