Synopsis: Using a process called “hypermia,” which stretches the main ligament of the penis, a pump does deliver extra size and thickness with regular use.
Our Review: Despite 25-plus years of reassurances from Eddy, I’ve always wished I had a bigger dick. Yep, simple as that. I watch those studs in the porn films and am constantly struck by “giant penis envy.” I know, I know, our wives/partners always say “size doesn’t matter” and the statistics say I’m average in size (6, er, 7 inches erect), but I still wanted to know what it would be like to have a bigger dick. After all, if size doesn’t matter, why all the products for penis enlargement? Why the ads in the sports section for penis enlargement surgery? And why do all the porn flicks have dudes with huge dicks?! It’s simple; size DOES matter. At least it seems to for women who’ve had men with big dicks. Do you think Pamela Anderson dates men with small dicks after having Tommy Lee? Hell no. I wanted nine or ten inches at least. I wanted my wife to know how those fortunate women with their well-hung partners felt. The problem for me, of course, was how to make it bigger. I’d be damned if I was going to let some doctor near it with a scalpel and the results promised by LongItude were still weeks away. We had the newest Andrew Blake film to watch and I needed size quickly.
Salvation came in the form of the Head Coach Cock Pump, a simple device designed to suck my penis to Peter North proportions. The ad looked too promising to pass up, so $24.00 and Fedex priority shipping had me giddily awaiting nightfall.
The DVD fired up, the groping started, and we were ready for action before scene two even started. I whipped out my Head Coach and had Eddy position it over Freddy Jr. The pump is manual, so I watched eagerly as my wife pumped the device into action. The principle behind this is called “hypermia,” which causes the main ligament to stretch and the caverns of the penis to expand, making the penis, well, grow bigger. And while I didn’t become Tommy Lee, I did see about an extra inch and a half! It looked absolutely HUGE. Yeah! My wife’s eyes were the size of dinner plates! We actually started laughing.
The drawbacks I anticipated were twofold. One, Eddy wasn’t used to having something this big head downtown and two, would she now be addicted to the new size? Would I now have to sneak this thing through airport security? Would the pump now take up permanent residence under the pillow? Puzzling questions for sure. But they’d have to wait. I was now THE MAN. In the John Holmes stud club. Tommy Lee’s new bro’. Time to rock my wife’s world and get ready for the hero worship to follow.
The sex to follow was the usual amazing stuff. I let my tongue and fingers prep her for the giant ecstasy to follow and got down to business. “Here it comes, baby!” whirled through my excited mind and in I went. But, wait a minute, I wasn’t noticing anything DIFFERENT. And, worse, SHE wasn’t ACTING any different. She was moaning and groaning just like always. Loving sex just as much with my new manhood as she did with my old manhood. I thrusted harder. Faster. Still no change. If anything, I was so focused on the whole size thing that it distracted ME from maximizing my own pleasure. I know, the payoff will come with the pay-LOAD. When I finish up, she’ll have to notice. I’ll pull out and have her finish me up with her hand. That’ll HAVE to get her attention. Nope, same thing. No great change. No worship. Just the usual “stoned” look she always gets after sex. I was still just Freddy to her.
Alas, the Head Coach Cock Pump didn’t provide the great salvation I was seeking after all. It seems being average in size works quite well for my wife and that she may have been telling the truth the whole time. Maybe all the other women are telling the truth, too. Sex really is for the moment and about so much more than a big penis. I think the pump seems to work best for men who are way below average in size, maybe 4 inches and under. For them, it’s a must-have. For while I agree BIG size doesn’t matter, LITTLE size does. The one cool benefit for men like myself is that the pump definitely makes us “hang” lower when not erect, which definitely does wonders for the self esteem. For that alone, 24 bucks doesn’t seem like such a great expense. Now, let’s see what LONG-itude does.
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