Tag Archives: better sex for couples

A Different Perspective On Tantra

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By Layla Martins

There are a lot of Tantra and sexuality teachers out there teaching strict rules about sex…

– Woman: Don’t you dare have a clitoral orgasm! It’s so immature, and you’ll become grumpy and disconnected

– Man: Don’t ejaculate or you’ll end up energetically depleted

– Both of you: Don’t even bother to orgasm at all, you’ll have a dopamine crash and end up personally destroyed

I think rules like these are like “fad-diets” – they sound sexy and like they’ll work. And you might even get some quick results, until you crash and it probably isn’t even all that healthy to begin with.

A lot of these teachers become notorious and get a lot of attention, just like “fad-diet” gurus.

People love rules – they give a certain comfort – they make you feel like you’re really getting somewhere.

Just as we’ve battled with our addictions and use of food, we’ve been battling our addictions and use of sex.

The answer isn’t crazy control, it’s balance, and the simple choices day in and day out.

When it comes to sex, it’s just like diet. Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

When it comes to sex….Make real Love. Relax and Be Present. Breathe deeply and follow your Impulses.

I think a lot of “spiritual teachings” actually end up setting us on a path for war with ourselves.

Kill your ego. Stop desiring so much. Let go. Surrender. Either be celibate, or at least stop ejaculating or orgasming so much.

For God’s Sake: WHY?

Do you really think the creator set you up so that all of your natural impulses are the path to destruction?

Where does going to war with your humanity make you more real, more present, more alive?

Because if it isn’t real and present and alive, then it isn’t spiritual.

Same goes for sex.

If you find yourself controlling, battling and restricting your sexuality, it’s just sending you down another rabbit hole.

I believe the only true redemption comes first and foremost from being fully in love with and fully at peace with our humanity – and a huge part of humanity is sexuality.

Anything that isn’t arising from that kind of deeply self-loving foundation is a masked escape.

Escape from where?

The present, of course.

To read more from Layla Martins, you can join her Facebook page here.

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How to Keep Your Sex Life Going After Adopting a Puppy

 

Our newest family member, Karma.

Our newest family member, Karma.

In early September of this year (being 2013), our late night television watching – at 11:15 pm to be exact – we were interrupted by a soft knock on our door. To provide context, we quite literally keep our door open almost all day, everyday, and see a constant stream of friends coming through, whether it be for morning coffee, a hot meal, or simply good conversation. Being adherents of the Burning Man community, we are comfortable sharing as much of our resources as we can with those in our lives and have maintained our “open door policy” for the better part of our 26 year history together. Hence, though the hour was late, we weren’t worried or overly surprised that someone would stop by, figuring it might be a neighbor or friend on the way through or in need of something.

What greeted us that night, however, was something we definitely could not have anticipated – a teary eyed man holding a puppy. Stunned, we stood in our doorway as he explained that he and his girlfriend (who was waiting, crying with her head buried in her hands, in their truck outside) had been evicted earlier that day from their apartment and were on their way to a friend’s home 400 miles away in northern California. They saw our door open and took a shot and knocked, hoping we could take the dog and either keep it ourselves or find it a good home as they simply were too overwhelmed to continue as its owner. After seeing the two of them in such despondency, we did the only thing we felt was right and accepted the dog. They then drove off and we found ourselves in the care of the mutt pictured above, without a clue as to what breed she is or so much as a name by which to call her.

Well, you probably know where this is headed. After three days of caring for this new addition to our household, we were smitten and are now dog owners for the first time. Most of our friends own dogs and offered to help us with advice and several names were suggested; we settled on our good friend, Teri’s suggestion and went with “Karma.” Given how she came into our lives, we figured it appropriate and, though we’d looked forward to an animal-free home as our 21 year old cat, Whiskers, heads into his final weeks, we must admit that Karma has injected a healthy dose of fun and challenge to our hectic household.

That said, we have encountered one specific obstacle that has us a tad off-kilter; that is the fact that having this dog in our household has put a serious damper on our sex life. When we leave her alone for some “intimate time,” she barks and whines; if we allow her into our bedroom, she jumps up on the bed and interrupts us; and even throwing her into our backyard results in Karma throwing herself against the back door and yapping. Crating her works fine for sleeping and Karma does fine keeping quiet through the night; however, if we so much as make a sound she wakes up and yelps to be let out. It’s almost like being parents again as we had to sacrifice sex to diaper changes, sleep deprivation, and middle of the night feedings when our son was an infant.

After ten days of forced sexual abstinence, we turned to Elisha Stynchula, owner of I Said Sit, one of LA’s most respected dog training facilities. Her recommendation, “Get her OUT of your bedroom, at the very least your BED!” Elisha suggested either waiting a few more weeks until Karma would be fully acclimated to her night time crate ritual or removing her from our bedroom, entirely. “You need to have your own space,” dog or no dog,” Stynchula lectured, “You don’t let your child in your room at night anymore, do you?” Her advice was backed up by a neighbor directly across our street, who never, EVER allows their dog into their bedroom, no matter how much he whines or protests. “You need to establish boundaries and set a routine, for both YOU and the dog,” Elisha urges. She cautions against giving in to our own need to cuddle with our dog in bed and to instead find a more neutral area of the house for affection.

Professional animal trainer Nathalie Jobin-Maybury agrees with Stynchula, “Maybe designate a special time and space on your couch for bonding with your dog(s),” Jobin-Maybury preaches, “Over time, your pup will adapt and it will become second nature, giving her the confidence to be less needy when you’re not giving her attention. Keep the dog out of the bedroom for now until you’re able to establish boundaries within. Sounds like the pup just needs to be taught to be ok with being alone. We’ve been very lucky with our dog, Mattie. She happily sleeps in her own bed at night. In our bedroom too. She never sleeps in our bed unless one of us gets out, usually Dave (her husband) for work and then she crawls in to join me. We are also lucky that if Dave and I get intimate, she vacates the premises. It makes her uncomfortable and she leaves, which I think is great because having her in the room watching is a no go for me and having to break the moment to put her out of the room is a damper. I will say that when Mattie came into our lives, there was a dip in our sex lives too. For different reasons than yours. For me it was like I suddenly became a mother and my priorities went to the ‘child’ and sex became a distant need/want.”

Obviously, we will be experimenting with these tidbits of knowledge and adjusting as we go, but for now our libidos are put on hold as we attempt to find a workable solution to our needy new family member. A dog may be “man’s best friend,” but our little pup is certainly no friend of our sex life. If you have any suggestions, PLEASE comment – HELP!!!

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Men’s Health: 8 Red-Hot Ways to Have More Sex

8 Red-Hot Ways to Have More Sex

by Madeline Haller

Great news, guys: You’re not the only horny one around the house. According to a new survey from Yahoo! Shine, roughly half of all women want sex more often.

Now that you’re armed with that awesome knowledge, it’s time to chart your next move. Read this advice from the country’s top sexperts to seduce your partner and start having the wild sex life that you deserve.

erotic portrait of young woman in lingerie
Get more of this. Every night.

1. Send Her a Sexy Text
It’s simple science: Women take longer to become aroused. So if you’re looking to get lucky later in the evening, start by piquing her interest early. How? Sext her. (No,seriously.) “Sexting can be extremely hot for a woman,” says Dr. Ava Cadell, founder of Loveology University. Women are much more auditory than men, she explains. So reading something sexy—like how badly you crave her taste—will only plant the seed of anticipation in her head. (But before you hit send, learn how to Be a Smarter Sexter.)

2. Speak Up
No one wants to have sex with someone who’s completely silent the entire time, so make yourself heard. “Most women find dirty talk extremely sexy,” says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. So whether it’s grunts, moans, or just whispering in her ear, any sort of verbal reaction will help her get riled up, says Brame.

3. Slow It Down
Arousal doesn’t start the minute you enter the bedroom. And simply getting naked doesn’t mean she’s ready to go, says Brame. To up her heat index, Brame recommends taking your time when stripping down. Unbutton her clothes and remove them slowly. Kiss her bare skin and spend extra time in the area you just disrobed. “Women need to be able to relax and get into a good mindset,” says Brame.

4. Step Out of the Box
Kissing her neck is always a wise move, but switching things up will only work in your favor. Your move: Focus on something more foreign, like her hands. “Start by kissing her fingertips and then slowly spread her fingers apart, licking in between each one,” says Cadell. “Women like to be teased, so this sultry symbolism (licking in between her fingers versus her legs) will rev up her sex drive.”

5. She Comes First
Women are more open to sex if they know their needs are going to be met, says Cadell. So rather than issuing your own sexual demands, focus on hersatisfaction instead. Hone in on the areas that especially put her in the mood: Her ears, neck, and inner thighs are all surprising hot spots that can push her over the edge. And since women like spontaneity, never stay in one area for too long, says Cadell.

6. Compliment Her Goods
If you want oral sex to play a bigger role in your sexcapades, make sure she knows how crazy you are about her body. Research has shown that women who are more comfortable with their genitals are not only more open to receiving oral sex, but they enjoy it more and orgasm more, says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., sex researcher at Indiana University and author of Sex Made Easy. The next time you spend some time below the belt, tell her how much you love the way she looks, tastes, and smells, Herbenick advises. Your words will benefit the both of you in the long run. (And for more of Herbenick’s advice, learn How to Be Great in Bed.)

7. Forge a New Path
Don’t put her on the spot by asking her what she wants mid-romp, says Brame. Yes, communication is key for good sex. But expecting her to give you a step-by-step walk-through on how to pleasure her isn’t exactly getting her off. It puts pressure on her because she thinks she has to respond with something new and kinky, when she should just be enjoying the moment, says Brame.

“Women like men who are in control,” says Cadell. So instead of asking, “what do you want me to do to you?” try experimenting on your own, and then asking her if it feels good.

8. Cook for More Sex
Keep in mind that heavy meals do not pair well with sex. “When your body is full of food, your first instinct is to just lay around and digest,” says Brame. Plus, if a woman is full, the last thing she’s going to want to do is strip off her clothes, she explains. So if you’re planning to wine and dine her, make sure to keep the meal light and sexy.

And here’s a fun fact: Black licorice has been shown to speed up her genital bloodflow by 40 percent, Cadell says. So try incorporating it and other aphrodisiacs—including wine and chocolates—into your pre-sex routine. (Looking for sexy meal ideas? Find the hottest bedroom foods in The Big Book of Sex.)

More from MensHealth.com:

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Product Review: Toyfriend Double Shorty

toyfriendshortyAlicia’s (Eddy) Review: We are always looking for new and fun accessories to add a little “bump” to our love life, so we have come across the line of products of Toyfriend.  They are bright, colorful and designed to be happy.  Yes, I said “happy”.  They have an entire line of Original (compact), Power, Rocket and Double(Rabbit Style).  I grabbed the Double named “Shorty” and I am sure glad I did!

The Shorty is a rabbit-style vibe that is excellent for clitoral stimulation along with the insert able dildo.  It is designed to look like a mini rabbit with the ears being the clitoral stimulator.  The Toyfriend Shorty is one speed, and requires one 1.5v battery which is included. Toyfriend has updated all their batteries and it gives off a powerful punch when turned on.  The vibration is quite strong but due to the way it was designed, most of the vibration stays within the main housing and pin points it to the tip where the ears are.  The extended dildo part doesn’t really receive much vibration, which I really don’t need from that part of the toy.  The Shorty is 5’5” inches long, so it is compact.

When I first tried the Shorty, it really surprised me how much of vibration it gave off when first turned on.  The design of the Shorty, is just that…short and compact.  I loved that I could use this toy by myself as I love the clitoral stimulation yet, due to its’ design we could use it together without it getting in the way.  It is waterproof also, so I can’t wait to try it out in the bath or shower and I’m really looking forward to trying out the rest of the line of products of Toyfriend!

Ian (Freddy) say: The entire Toyfriend line is a refreshing infusion into a market that’s built on copycat designs and operational sameness. Eschewing complicated control mechanisms and 50-ways-to-confuse-an-orgasm confusion, Toyfriend has instead presented consumers with products that could’ve been lifted right out of Apple Computer’s marketing mantra (minus the high price tags). They just work – and well. Push the button on the Toyfriend Double Shorty, it comes on and you’re ready to play; push it again, it turns off. Period. Visually, the Toyfriend Double Shorty just screams FUN, and with a motor capable of pushing surprisingly powerful vibrations, my wife (a power queen if ever there was one) was startled at how quickly the product sent her soaring. It doesn’t hurt to have a nice little penetration to go along with your clitoral sensations, and here the Double Shorty delivers a reasonably sized appendage to fill the void. All in all, another really solid and effective offering with a bargain price point from Toyfriend, who are quickly becoming one of our favorite manufacturers.

Interested in purchasing a Toyfriend Double Shorty? Please click here to visit our online store. Your purchases help keep this site up and free for everyone!

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Video Review: The Tao of Great Sex DVD

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The Tao of Great Sex is an instructional video from the Alexander Institute, perhaps the most well-known sex education companies in existence. We have long been fans of their understated, dignified, and sexy approach to intimacy and this title continues on their well established standard. It doesn’t hurt that Alexander Institute uses “real” couples as opposed to porn stars, as this lends a more authentic air to the proceedings – awkwardness being an asset worth noting. Scenes are shot tastefully, devoid of ejaculation shots or exaggerated climaxes, instead focusing on foreplay, connection, and subdued instruction to assist the shy and advanced alike. However, make no mistake, in addition to being a more informed lover after viewing The Tao of Great Sex, you will also be quite turned on.

The Tao of Great Sex provides knowledge of Asian sexual techniques – Chinese in particular – and accompanying philosophies dating back hundreds of years. After an informative history lesson on the Tao, there are eight chapters covering the following subjects: erotic kissing, erotic massage (back), female satisfaction, erotic massage (front), sexual positions,erotic massage (whole body), ejaculation control, and finally a section on “a thousand loving thrusts,” which covers different thrusting rhythms for maximum pleasure. The video is introduced by Liu Dalin, a professor of sociology at Shanghai University, who explains that a healthy attitude toward sex is vital to a healthy life, in general. There is then a basic explanation of the “Tao,” which means “the way.” Hence, the “Tao of Sex,” simply translates to “the way of sex.” Yin and Yang is then described and shown how it relates to sexuality (for example, ejaculation is not necessary to satisfying, nor is it even the highest form of sexual ecstasy. In other words, orgasm and ejaculation are treated as two separate and distinct concepts, with orgasm trumping ejaculation as the highest sexual calling.

Following the introduction, each chapter then demonstrates specific practices toward improving love making based on how the Tao relates to the chapter subject(s), building as it progresses toward full intercourse in the final segment. Various couples are used, the most prominent being a Chinese woman and her Caucasian lover, giving the viewer a nice set of visuals to go along with the lessons. As we happen to be just such a mixed couple, it was definitely nice to see a pairing that reflected our own ethnicity makeup and the producers did a nice job of filling out the roster with other racially varied participants. The erotic massage instruction is particularly detailed and we could recommend this title highly on this strength alone. There’s so much more to recommend, but we’d rather not spoil this outstanding title by revealing too much. Suffice it to say you will “come” away from watching this DVD informed, titillated, and raring to put your new knowledge into practice immediately!

DVD extras include a few excerpts from Alexander Institute’s other titles, as well as the ability to switch between three additional languages (Spanish, German, and French). There is also a tips section featuring sexuality expert Dr.Patti Britton, with text answers to common sex-related questions on condoms, anal sex, vibrators, etc. Though a bit sparse in the extras, we can’t fault Alexander Institute too much; after all, they give over two full hours of excellent content and that was more than enough to justify its purchase. We give The Tao of Great Sex our highest recommendation.

Interested in purchasing this title? Visit our online store (we offer a special two for one purchase on all Alexander Institute DVD’s) or visit their website here.

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