Tag Archives: longer lasting sex

A Different Perspective On Tantra

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By Layla Martins

There are a lot of Tantra and sexuality teachers out there teaching strict rules about sex…

– Woman: Don’t you dare have a clitoral orgasm! It’s so immature, and you’ll become grumpy and disconnected

– Man: Don’t ejaculate or you’ll end up energetically depleted

– Both of you: Don’t even bother to orgasm at all, you’ll have a dopamine crash and end up personally destroyed

I think rules like these are like “fad-diets” – they sound sexy and like they’ll work. And you might even get some quick results, until you crash and it probably isn’t even all that healthy to begin with.

A lot of these teachers become notorious and get a lot of attention, just like “fad-diet” gurus.

People love rules – they give a certain comfort – they make you feel like you’re really getting somewhere.

Just as we’ve battled with our addictions and use of food, we’ve been battling our addictions and use of sex.

The answer isn’t crazy control, it’s balance, and the simple choices day in and day out.

When it comes to sex, it’s just like diet. Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

When it comes to sex….Make real Love. Relax and Be Present. Breathe deeply and follow your Impulses.

I think a lot of “spiritual teachings” actually end up setting us on a path for war with ourselves.

Kill your ego. Stop desiring so much. Let go. Surrender. Either be celibate, or at least stop ejaculating or orgasming so much.

For God’s Sake: WHY?

Do you really think the creator set you up so that all of your natural impulses are the path to destruction?

Where does going to war with your humanity make you more real, more present, more alive?

Because if it isn’t real and present and alive, then it isn’t spiritual.

Same goes for sex.

If you find yourself controlling, battling and restricting your sexuality, it’s just sending you down another rabbit hole.

I believe the only true redemption comes first and foremost from being fully in love with and fully at peace with our humanity – and a huge part of humanity is sexuality.

Anything that isn’t arising from that kind of deeply self-loving foundation is a masked escape.

Escape from where?

The present, of course.

To read more from Layla Martins, you can join her Facebook page here.

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Podcast: Great Sex Made Simple

Podcast Episode 59 – Great Sex Made Simple

Is great sex a complicated pursuit? Maybe you just need a little simple guidance, and we’ve found just the couple to start your journey. Meet a couple who deliver the ancient ways of tantra – to everyone!

On this ‘cast, we welcome into our studio Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson, aka Swami Umeshanand Saraswati and Devi Veenanand, masters of lineage-based Tantra (traditional) as it integrates with “neo” Tantra, or more contemporary practices. Their newest work, Great Sex Made Simple, marries tantric principles with practical tips to send your sex life soaring. From life as a lawyer and opera singer, respectively, this pair tranformed their ordinary intimacy into the extraordinary. Join us as we explore ways to bring great sex to YOUR bedroom and beyond.

Products Reviewed: ON for Him,Verspanken, Toy Friend Zany Blue vibrator.

Music Selections: Big Top, from Oglio Records.

All our Podcasts can be found in our archive section here and also on iTunes and Stitcher Radio! Just type in “Freddy and Eddy” or “From Behind Our White Picket Fence” in the iTunes store search field and subscribe!

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How To: Overcome Premature Ejaculation

About premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation is one of the most common sexual problems. The condition is most often described as being an inability to delay ejaculation to a point when it is mutually desirable for both partners. The definition of when ejaculation is premature is subjective. While some men have trouble controlling their orgasm upon entry, others consider 5-10 minutes of copulation too little time. How long a man is able to last is not the important factor in diagnosing premature ejaculation. The crucial issue is if a man is satisfied with the length of coitus.

Why can’t I last longer?

Most men have experienced this problem at some time in their life. Premature ejaculation was once thought to be caused by drugs or certain infections such as urethritis, but popular wisdom suggests it is more psychological in nature. The exact cause of the condition, however, still remains a mystery.

Premature ejaculation often occurs during the first experiences with sex, and in this case is most commonly attributed to anxiety. The majority of men gradually learn to control their orgasm, and have no lasting effect. Some men will develop a longer-term anxiety toward sex, which can cause a prolonged experience with premature ejaculation.

Sexual behavior is also a factor. The longer the period since last ejaculating, the quicker young men typically reach orgasm. Younger men tend to ejaculate more quickly than older men, as experience seems to be associated with ejaculatory control.

What about desensitizing creams and supplements?

Desensitizing creams are products that can lessen the sensations felt by men during intercourse so that they can last longer (you can find them in most pharmacies alongside condoms). The are many good, mild and safe desensitizing creams that only require a small amount be applied. Keep in mind, however, that while desensitizing products will dull the sensations to your penis, they can also do the same to your partner’s vagina (or anus). There are also reports that Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra can prolong sexual stimulation, though this varies widely from person to person. Remember, these drugs are NOT meant to be used for achieving erection in healthy males or prolonging sex and can have serious side effects, so proceed with extreme caution. Using these substances for these purposes can result in unintended consequences and can actually be dangerous to your health, especially if you combine then with other drugs.

What are some good techniques to delay ejaculation?

The best way to fighting premature ejaculation is learning how to identify and control the sensations leading up to orgasm. The Masters and Johnson method does just that. The Masters and Johnson method requires a great deal of patience and practice, but is very effective. Follow the steps below.

You may want to start with masturbation. Begin by bringing yourself to a point relatively close to climax, and stop, allowing yourself to relax before starting again. Each time you do this, bring yourself closer and closer to orgasm until you cannot control it any longer.  You may want to practice with the aid of a lubricant.  We recommend trying Divine Number 9. Repeating this procedure a number of times on different occasions will help you learn where your point of climax is. Once you have an idea about your “point of no return” you should be able to direct stimulation from your partner leading up to orgasm. The best way to practice this method is with a caring lover, although you can try to prepare by yourself. With your partner, engage in non-coital stimulation (like masturbation or oral sex) and gradually allow yourself to reach that point just before ejaculation. At that point, signal your partner to stop (often this is done with a light squeeze or sound) and allow yourself to partially lose your erection. Repeat these steps several times to get the hang of it. You should practice these steps for several days before you attempt intercourse. Once you are ready to try intercourse, lay on your back and direct your partner to slowly allow you to penetrate. As soon as you feel that you are about to climax, signal to your partner or give a gentle push upward. Relax for a bit, then begin again. You should soon be able to control your ejaculation and enjoy having sex.

Although the method is extremely effective, it could take weeks before you get it just right. Remember, be patient and try not to put too much pressure on the situation. If you don’t get it the first time, shrug it off and remember that you are working towards something that takes time. If you still have trouble, don’t hesitate to contact a sex therapist for guidance.

Another effective way to control your ejaculation impulse is to strengthen your “PC” muscle through kegel exercises. Your pubococcygeus, or “PC” muscle, is the muscle that controls urine flow and contracts during orgasm in both men and women. It is part of a group of muscles known as the perineal muscles, which all work in concert to maintain healthy sexual/erectile function in both sexes. For women, strengthening these muscles has been shown to reduce the risk of improper positioning of a baby’s head during childbirth and a reduction of urinary incontinence following childbirth and in later years following menopause. For men, having strong PC muscles can help avoid erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Studies are now showing some evidence that maintaining strong PC muscles can help men avoid prostate cancer. We have an entire article devoted to the topic of PC muscles here.

How about sexual simulation?

Some men can successfully increase their control with the Masters and Johnson method, but have a very difficult time maintaining control once a partner enters the scene. Of course it’s normal that you’re going to be more aroused when your lover is present. If this is the situation you find yourself in, here’s what can help:

Add a ‘simulation’ step between the masturbation and intercourse phases discussed above. This will help you learn to control a higher sense of arousal than is possible with simple masturbation, and you get to do it in private without worrying about what your partner is thinking. There are a lot of products out there that simulate real intercourse. We recommend that you get a masturbation toy such as the Verspanken or Tenga Egg with a nice, high quality lubricant such as Sliquid H2O. This will help simulate the sensations of real intercourse. To heighten your arousal, get a first person, virtual sex DVD or look online for appropriate sexually stimulating pictures or video.  These are interactive sexual videos that will help you simulate a real sexual encounter.  If you don’t have a DVD player, any erotic video should do the trick.  Follow the same steps as the masturbation stage of the Masters and Johnson method using one of these videos and the Verspanken. Once you can control your ejaculation in this simulation, then move on to intercourse with a partner.

Anything else?

Masturbation is a technique used by many young men to increase their level of control. It is thought that masturbation before sexual activity will lessen the amount of desire a man feels thereby increasing control. This technique is not very effective, however, as level of arousal is only part of what contributes to the condition.

Condoms are an effective means of reducing the amount of stimulation experienced during sex. Some men find that a condom helps them prevent premature ejaculation by lowering their arousal. If one condom does not decrease the stimulation enough, then put on one more. Condoms provide excellent protection against STDs and pregnancy, so they’re certainly worth a try.

Sexual positions can affect a man’s ability to control his ejaculation. The typical “missionary” position (on top of your partner) is not the best position while attempting to control ejaculation. Try laying on your back, allowing the partner to control copulation. In this position you are more relaxed, and can guide your partner easily.

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