Tag Archives: marriage sex

A Different Perspective On Tantra

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By Layla Martins

There are a lot of Tantra and sexuality teachers out there teaching strict rules about sex…

– Woman: Don’t you dare have a clitoral orgasm! It’s so immature, and you’ll become grumpy and disconnected

– Man: Don’t ejaculate or you’ll end up energetically depleted

– Both of you: Don’t even bother to orgasm at all, you’ll have a dopamine crash and end up personally destroyed

I think rules like these are like “fad-diets” – they sound sexy and like they’ll work. And you might even get some quick results, until you crash and it probably isn’t even all that healthy to begin with.

A lot of these teachers become notorious and get a lot of attention, just like “fad-diet” gurus.

People love rules – they give a certain comfort – they make you feel like you’re really getting somewhere.

Just as we’ve battled with our addictions and use of food, we’ve been battling our addictions and use of sex.

The answer isn’t crazy control, it’s balance, and the simple choices day in and day out.

When it comes to sex, it’s just like diet. Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

When it comes to sex….Make real Love. Relax and Be Present. Breathe deeply and follow your Impulses.

I think a lot of “spiritual teachings” actually end up setting us on a path for war with ourselves.

Kill your ego. Stop desiring so much. Let go. Surrender. Either be celibate, or at least stop ejaculating or orgasming so much.

For God’s Sake: WHY?

Do you really think the creator set you up so that all of your natural impulses are the path to destruction?

Where does going to war with your humanity make you more real, more present, more alive?

Because if it isn’t real and present and alive, then it isn’t spiritual.

Same goes for sex.

If you find yourself controlling, battling and restricting your sexuality, it’s just sending you down another rabbit hole.

I believe the only true redemption comes first and foremost from being fully in love with and fully at peace with our humanity – and a huge part of humanity is sexuality.

Anything that isn’t arising from that kind of deeply self-loving foundation is a masked escape.

Escape from where?

The present, of course.

To read more from Layla Martins, you can join her Facebook page here.

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When Your Spouse Is No Longer Attractive To You: Sexual Dissatisfaction

By Shannon Bradley-Colleary
Via Huffington Post

Recently a reader contacted me regarding my Married Sex series to tell me her story in the hopes of getting some answers. We’ll call my reader Maggie.

Maggie has been harboring a secret for the last five years of her 20-year marriage. No, she isn’t having an affair, hasn’t decided she’s a lesbian, isn’t realizing she’s transgender and is not a spy for North Korea.

Her secret is more simple than that, but she fears it could spell the end of her marriage. Maggie’s secret? She no longer finds her husband Eddie sexually attractive. She’s suffering from a chronic case of sexual dissatisfaction and feeling pretty shallow.

Maggie and Eddie met when they were both freshmen at USC and lived in the College Uni dorms. They were part of a group of dorm dwellers who rented out an ice rink to play broom hockey, running around on the ice in their tennis shoes. Maggie recalls falling instantly in lust when Eddie body-checked her in front of the goal net.

Eddie played on the ‘SC tennis team. He was long-limbed at six-feet tall and lithe. He had a full head of blonde, Byronic curls and a killer smile. Better yet, he was a one-woman man who fell deeply in love with Maggie.

Two years after college they married and quickly had three little boys. Eddie carved his way into a prestigious law firm while Maggie stayed home to raise their boys.

As Maggie explains it she often worried that Eddie might lose interest in her. She’d put on a substantial amount of weight with the birth of each baby. She sometimes felt she was a little boring “just being a mom.” And often didn’t take the time when the kids were really little to put on makeup and do something –anything — with her hair. But Eddie’s love never wavered.

Finally, when their boys hit high school, Maggie had a lot more time for herself. She decided to drop those extra pounds and started taking tennis lessons at the local rec center. Ironically Eddie had entirely given tennis up while Maggie began to love it, getting so good she competed in local competitions, frequently winning trophies.

She lost 30 pounds the first year playing tennis and 20 more the year after that, getting in the best shape of her life.

In the meantime Eddie seemed to gain all the weight Maggie shed, he lost most of his gorgeous head of hair and had taken up cigar smoking. All of this resulted in Maggie, quite simply, falling out of lust with her man. She vows there’s no tennis pro hiding in her boudoir. That she hasn’t strayed, but worries she’s doomed to a life of sexual dissatisfaction.

I asked Maggie if she’d spoken to Eddie about this and she said no, because she felt like she was a selfish person who should appreciate him for who he is as a father and a husband. That those things alone should be enough to make Eddie attractive to her especially since he’d loved her through her own bout of self-described unattractiveness.

She worries that if she tells Eddie how she feels, their sex life will end entirely because he may no longer initiate.

My advice to Maggie was to be honest with her husband and let him know this is a problem for her, therefore a weak spot in the marriage. While I believe Maggie when she says she isn’t having an affair, I can’t help but worry that’s a possibility if the subject isn’t addressed.

My own 12-year marriage has certainly had its share of sexual ruts and times we don’t find each other attractive.

Just the other night I got into bed with Henry ready to snuggle up to sleep when he began to kiss me. Oh. This isn’t a peck. Perhaps this is a sexual overture? There’s only one way to find out.

“Henry?”

“Yes.”

“Should I take out my bite guard?”

“Yes, take out your bite guard.”

FLOOSHWACKAAAA. That’s what it sounds like when I take out my night guard. It’s especially sexy if there’s a lot of spit slinky-ing between my mouth and the bite guard when I remove it. Henry asked if I wouldn’t mind brushing my teeth before we resumed. Could it be he didn’t find the bite guard sexy?

I also only wash my hair twice a week or it gets frizzy so sometimes Henry asks me to please wash my hair before I get into bed because I “smell like an eight-year old boy after he’s lost an egg tossing competition and has a dozen yolks in his hair.”

And don’t even get me started on my Irritable Bowel Syndrome, because that’s just so sexxxaaayyy.

Henry isn’t always a perfect red rose either.

One night we climbed into bed and Henry began to initiate sex after a month on a yeasty-white-bread-carb rampage. “Honey, ” I said in a sweet, dulcet voice, “I cannot have sex with that belly.”

Oh yes I did. Because I’m a little b*tch like that.

To say Henry was disgruntled is an understatement and I felt like a world-class wanker, but his reaction to this ignominy was to drop 10 pounds.

What I’m learning as we go along is that sometimes sex just isn’t that great or important, but there are other times when it flourishes again and can even be exciting. And communication about dissatisfaction, while it may seem unfriendly or mean, is often what it takes to get out of a rut.

I’d love to hear any suggestions you may have for Maggie and to hear how you’ve battled sexual boredom, lulls and lack of desire in your own relationships.

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Product Review: ONO by Cleo

Synopsis: A multi-function, recharge able vibrator with a unique suction cup base that allows it to be affixed to virtually any smooth surface.

Eddy’s Review: You know, I’m all for playing with toys with my horny husband, but sometimes I need a little “me time,” if you catch my drift. The Cleo vibrator, from Ono, is my latest “me time” companion.

First, a few of the specifics. The Cleo is a round silicone object, approximately 6″ in diameter at the bottom, tapering up into a two pronged stimulator. It has a removable suction cup on the bottom (more on that later) and recharges via an included adapter. It is also fully waterproof and can be submerged fully in water and continue to function. The controls are located at the front of the unit and consist of two buttoms for simple operation. To turn on, press the left button and continue to do so to cycle through the various power and pulse settings, the right button doing the opposite.

The first thing I noticed about the Cleo is its large form factor. Think The Cone but in a smaller version. Unlike The Cone, though, the Cleo is far less bulky and much more pleasing to look at. The packaging should get a mention here as well; the box is really cute and I could imagine giving this as a gift (or receiving it) without much embarrassment. Before first using it, one must plug in the charging unit and let it sit for a few hours, though ours had a bit of power already when it arrived. Once fully juiced, I pressed the left button and fired up its powerful motor.

Like other higher end sex toys, the Cleo starts off at a very low setting, meaning you won’t have to worry about waking up your neighbors (or kids in the next room). It purrs softly and you simply push the button or hold it down to increase the intensity. What really struck me was how unbelievably QUIET this toy is, given how clit numbing the highest setting went. I imagine there must be some sort of insulation dampening the sound as even at its maximum power I could barely hear it. During use in my bath, for example, the water made more noise than the Cleo, which quite amazed me.

In use, the Cleo gave me orgasm after orgasm, mostly in a straddling position, whereby I sat upright and “rode” it while exploring its different speeds. The suction cup made it especially nice in the shower, and I affixed the Cleo to the wall on one occasion with great success. A nice touch is the ability to remove the suction cup easily, allowing easy manipulation in bed or wherever my desires took me. Though larger than most hand held vibrators, I could still use it with one hand without too much effort and its unique shape allows the Cleo to rest on my pubic bone without having to hold it there. Riding it in front of my husband gave him quite a treat, too!

In ending, I really love this product and I think it’s one of the most interesting sex toys I’ve tried to date!

Freddy Says: Wow, just… wow. I was a bit cautious in my expectations about this device as it is just so – different. The Cleo is mostly a solo toy, though can be used together with a bit of manipulation (me standing with her in missionary position on the edge of the bed, for example, or even doggy style). The real awesomeness, however, comes with the suction cup base, almost imperceptable at first glance. It sticks to most surfaces and is especially fun for my wife in the shower or bath (the Cleo is waterproof, so it’s perfect in wet situations). All in all, a very well designed sex product, with extra credit for its nice packaging. A better version of The Cone, in my opinion. A winner.

Interested in purchasing an ONO Cleo vibrator? Click here or on the links above to visit our online store. Your purchases keep this site running and free to all visitors!

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