Tag Archives: sex tips

A Different Perspective On Tantra

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By Layla Martins

There are a lot of Tantra and sexuality teachers out there teaching strict rules about sex…

– Woman: Don’t you dare have a clitoral orgasm! It’s so immature, and you’ll become grumpy and disconnected

– Man: Don’t ejaculate or you’ll end up energetically depleted

– Both of you: Don’t even bother to orgasm at all, you’ll have a dopamine crash and end up personally destroyed

I think rules like these are like “fad-diets” – they sound sexy and like they’ll work. And you might even get some quick results, until you crash and it probably isn’t even all that healthy to begin with.

A lot of these teachers become notorious and get a lot of attention, just like “fad-diet” gurus.

People love rules – they give a certain comfort – they make you feel like you’re really getting somewhere.

Just as we’ve battled with our addictions and use of food, we’ve been battling our addictions and use of sex.

The answer isn’t crazy control, it’s balance, and the simple choices day in and day out.

When it comes to sex, it’s just like diet. Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

When it comes to sex….Make real Love. Relax and Be Present. Breathe deeply and follow your Impulses.

I think a lot of “spiritual teachings” actually end up setting us on a path for war with ourselves.

Kill your ego. Stop desiring so much. Let go. Surrender. Either be celibate, or at least stop ejaculating or orgasming so much.

For God’s Sake: WHY?

Do you really think the creator set you up so that all of your natural impulses are the path to destruction?

Where does going to war with your humanity make you more real, more present, more alive?

Because if it isn’t real and present and alive, then it isn’t spiritual.

Same goes for sex.

If you find yourself controlling, battling and restricting your sexuality, it’s just sending you down another rabbit hole.

I believe the only true redemption comes first and foremost from being fully in love with and fully at peace with our humanity – and a huge part of humanity is sexuality.

Anything that isn’t arising from that kind of deeply self-loving foundation is a masked escape.

Escape from where?

The present, of course.

To read more from Layla Martins, you can join her Facebook page here.

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How To: DO Each Other for HOTTER Sex

Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?

Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?

The fine art of doing and being done.

At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.

Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.

I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.

If you’re one of the many who have yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.

It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.

This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.

Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do. But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.

So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?

The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.

For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born. If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?

Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.

When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.

Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.

Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.

So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?

Could you handle that?

Many of you will quickly reply … yes!

Really though?

Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and trulytake her.

And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.

If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.

  1. Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down.  When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
  2. Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
  3. Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.

Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.

Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.

But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.

You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.

So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!

Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe to his blog so you don’t miss any future posts.

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How To: Strengthen Your PC Muscles to Improve Sex

Have you noticed that your sex life is lagging a little? Maybe things aren’t quite as satisfying as they once were? Getting older and not feeling as motivated? Are you having trouble with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, incontinence, or general malaise, sexually? Before you reach for the Viagra or penis pump, don’t despair – maybe you just need to reinvigorate your PC muscle! Read on to see how easy it can be to bring back that loving feeling…

What is a PC Muscle?

Your pubococcygeus, or “PC” muscle, is the muscle that controls urine flow and contracts during orgasm in both men and women. It is part of a group of muscles known as the perineal muscles, which all work in concert to maintain healthy sexual/erectile function in both sexes. For women, strengthening these muscles has been shown to reduce the risk of improper positioning of a baby’s head during childbirth and a reduction of urinary incontinence following childbirth and in later years following menopause. For men, having strong PC muscles can help avoid erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Studies are now showing some evidence that maintaining strong PC muscles can help men avoid prostate cancer.

How does one go about strengthening his or her PC muscle?

From wikiHow

Locate the PC muscle: The pubococcygeus muscle forms the floor of the pelvic cavity and stretches like a hammock from the pubic bone to the bottom of the spine. Pretend that you are urinating, then try to stop the flow with a quick muscle contraction. That muscle you just used to stop the flow from the bladder is your PC muscle. Try to keep your stomach and thigh muscles relaxed and focus only on the PC muscle.

Get some Kegel balls (ladies): We love Smartballs, from Fun Factory, but there are dozens of different variations from a myriad of companies. Kegel balls work by forcing the vaginal muscles to contract to hold them in after insertion. Some, like the Smartballs, have small weights inside to cause vibrations that further stimulate the vaginal walls.

Flex the PC muscle 20 times: Hold it for one or two seconds each time, then release. Repeat this three times a day, three to four times per week. Breathe normally during this exercise and try to avoid holding your breath.

Add ten really slow squeezes to each set: Take five seconds to slowly squeeze your PC as tight as you can. Now hold the tension for a full five seconds, if possible, and release gradually over the next five seconds.

Clench your PC muscle longer and more: After about two weeks, you should be able to stretch your PC muscle easier and for a longer duration. Like any muscle in the body, it responds to stimulus and grows with use. Next, try upping the length of the flex and go for more flexes.

  • Instead of a one or two second hold, try to clench your PC muscle for five to seven seconds.
  • Instead of twenty reps, three times a day, trying shooting for 50 reps, three times a day.
  • Once you get the hang of it, you’ll should learn how to clench your penis and anus sphincter muscle separately or at the same time.

Do PC tremble exercises: Start clenching your PC muscle very slowly. So slowly, in fact, that it takes you several minutes to work up to the point where you are fully clenching. Now that you are fully clenching, clench a little more and hold it there for 30 seconds, breathing slowly all the while. When you feel the burn, release and do 20 normal PC clenches. Perform this exercise at the end of your PC workouts for the day.

Do a PC stutter exercise: All this is is flexing your PC muscle in increments. Tighten your PC a bit by bit. Start off gently — hold the PC there for a little bit — then a bit more then “gentle.” When you have stuttered your PC all the way up to a full clench, don’t release the muscle fully; work gently back down, first releasing a little bit, then a bit more, and so on. Imagine that you are running up and down a staircase with your PC muscle.

If you’re a guy, do a PC muscle exercise with an erection: There are several PC muscle exercises you can perform as a male with an erection, and they mostly involve resistance training.

  • Place a small towel over your erect penis and lift the towel up by squeezing the PC muscles. Hold for 2-5 seconds, relax, and repeat 30 times.
  • Place your hand one or two inches above your erect penis. Clench your PC muscle to lift your erection up to your hand. Hold for 2-5 seconds, relax, and repeat 30 times.
  • Place your hand one or two inches above your erect penis again. Clench your PC muscle to lift your erection up to your hand. This time, gently push your hand down while you lift your penis up, creating resistance. Hold for 2-5 seconds, relax, and repeat 30 times.

Don’t overexercise: Combine any of the basic and intermediate exercises together, but only flex your PC muscles for 50 reps and 3 sets per day. Over stimulation can result in muscle fatigue.

Do PC muscle exercises with your partner: Doing PC exercises while having sex can be productive and fun. The male partner gets erect, penetrates the female, and the pair take turns doing PC muscle exercises — he flexes, then she flexes, and so on. Just make sure that your partner is as keen on doing exercise as you are.

Do the PC squeeze with an erection (men, obviously): Massage your penis until you have an erection. Gradually massage your penis until you are at the brink of orgasm. Stop massaging immediately and start contracting your PC muscles. Once your erection begins to go flaccid, massage your penis until you are at the brink of orgasm again. Contract your PC muscles and repeat until your PC muscles are adequately worked.

  • If you accidentally orgasm during this exercise, your PC muscles probably aren’t strong enough for advanced exercises yet. Focus on mastering the intermediate techniques before moving on to the advanced sets.

Do the “blitz” PC exercise: This one is very hard to do, because it involves different clenching strengths and variable reps. Find yourself a spot where you’ll feel comfortable for 10-20 minutes. Remember to breathe as you exercise.

  • Do 50 PC clenches as a warm-up.
  • Next, squeeze your PC muscle as tightly as you can, holding for 30 seconds.
  • Next, perform 100 PC clenches without resting. Clench for two seconds, relax for two seconds, and so on.
  • Next, try clenching your PC muscle as tightly as you can. Shoot for 1 minute of gut-wrenching clenching.
  • Rest for two minutes.
  • Next, do 50 5-second clenches where you slowly relax at the end. Your workout is finally finished!

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